This installment of Ask A Smartass will attempt to tackle a question that has been on the minds of many Americans these days: Is our country in a recession? Warning: if you hate to hear about money issues or you love capitalism with all of your heart, you may not want to proceed in reading.
Due to a new experimental investing strategy in the country, the economy has hit a recession. Investments have been the strength of the United States economy, so when this risky experimental investment started, many thought nothing of it. But now, as investors have clearly made bad decisions, the entire country is suffering. You may be asking yourself, what is this new investment strategy? Well, it is all the rage now to invest in celebrities. Since they make so much money, why not have them take on shareholders and boost their income while taking others along for the ride.
This was a great idea. But when this started some years back, a lot of investors sunk their money in big names like Britney Spears, Ben Affleck and Lindsay Lohan. With Britney’s unbelievable meltdowns, her investors are experiencing net losses. And those who went ahead and decided to invest in her little sister Jamie Lynn … well, they got double screwed. Sometimes mental instability can be an asset when investing in a celebrity, like Russell Crowe or Quentin Tarantino. But Britney has what we celebrity investors like to call “the wrong kind of crazy.” And her sister is on her way there, let’s face it.
With Ben Affleck, as soon as he stopped working with Matt Damon, his career went down the crapper. Case in point: Gigli, Paycheckand … well, there are clearly too many to name here. Some thought they could foresee a comeback for him with his recent music video about having sex with Jimmy Kimmel, but they were unfortunately wrong. What even intensifies his low performance on Wall Street is his marriage to Jennifer Garner, who appeared in such big screen stink bombs as Elektra and Daredevil. Damn, Affleck was in that too wasn’t he? The wounds are still too fresh from that one.
Lindsay Lohan was a hot stock for a while because she started out on the bad girl path. Hardcore investors liked this option because they could see her traveling the Paris Hilton route. But sadly, she showed up on too many occasions looking like a sloppy drunk party girl and then not showing up for work on time the next day. She tried to rebound by posing for nude pictures as a Marilyn Monroe look-alike. Sadly this just turned people off even more because this actress did Herbie The Love Bug. All Disney contracts are out of the question now.
All of these celebrities brought the economy crashing down with their poor decision-making and self-centered mental malfunctions. But this can all be fixed if people start recognizing the celebrities that should be invested in. Here are my tips for those future investments: Scott Baio (Joanie does love Chachie, and you should too in his recent reality show Scott Baio Is 46 And Pregnant where he himself is clearly not pregnant), Corey Feldman and Corey Haim (these two come as a package deal in a newer reality show since Feldman is carrying Haim’s career once again), Diddy (Because changing his name from P Diddy to Diddy will finally give him the ability to write rap songs that don’t suck) and David Beckham (Because getting paid ridiculous amounts of money to play a sport that is never watched in the U.S. is always a good sign of future earn ability).
By now you’ve hopefully figured out that what you just read is pure unadulterated B.S. That being said let me impart some real knowledge on you. I owe you that much for sticking it out for this long.
The truth of the matter is that Alan Greenspan came out and said that we are in a recession. Granted he is no longer the Chairman of the Federal Reserve, but many people still put a lot of stock in what he says. This, in combination with the Department of Labor’s recent numbers citing a loss of roughly 200,000 American jobs in the first three months of 2008, makes it hard to believe we are not in a recession. But at the same time, when the population believes we are in a recession, is that when it occurs? This could be true since pennies start getting pinched and businesses see less of their customers. Unless you are Wal-Mart, who gets even more business.
The implications of this recession (I am going ahead and saying we are in one) could be massive. When money becomes tight, local and small businesses tend to falter. Those that would try to start these days will not get the chance to take off. And those already established could end up going under as the masses freak out and think they should buy everything from Wal-Mart because it is cheaper.
But this behavior is dangerous as it gives Wal-Mart an even stronger hold on this country. And with a strengthening of such entities, it may eventually lead to the elimination of small business. This is a topic I could go on forever about, but I will spare everyone the Wal-Mart bashing and paranoid predictions of the failings of capitalism.
Bottom line is that we are in a recession. Whether it came about because of poor economic handling from the government or from our own minds, we may never know. But what we do know is that this smartass stands by Alan Greenspan in his assessment of the economic climate in the country.