Sure, those 5th graders look smart on Fox’s prime time game show “Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader.” They look comfortable with that smug look on their little faces as grown adults struggle with questions such as “How many sides does a trapezoid have?” and “What is the largest south American country by area?”
Countless adults have participated, only to be made to look foolish by your superior intellects. You even succeeded in making Kellie Pickler look stupid, but trust me, that is no feat.
You may have won the stage being played out on national television, but I decided it was time to take the fight to your realm. Obviously any sort of physical challenge would not be fair, so I needed to find a place where you would be rewarded for quick thinking and reaction. A place where millions of fifth graders are competing mano-a-mano after school and on the weekends for something greater than gameshow fame. Yes, that’s right, they are fighting for Webkinz cash on Webkinz.com.
Now, rest assured, I wasn’t seeking out this gaming forum to prove my mental superiority. I merely stumbled upon it as I helped my oldest daughter login for the first time with her new pet chihuahua named Max. She quickly burned through her allotment of Webkinz cash she was given for purchasing her pet on a Rock Star themed bedroom set, complete with spotlight lamps, disco ball, and guitar-shaped bed. Of course, that was not enough. We needed the big screen TV that looks like a stage for her virtual pet to watch when we weren’t even logged in. Makes perfect sense. But we needed to earn more cash.
Enter the Webkinz Tournament Arena, a virtual coliseum where kids duel for cash, which can be used to outfit or accessorize their cyber-stuffed pets.
My daughter selected checkers as her first foray into online gaming. The Webkinz server quickly found us an opponent. It would be Pinky, a white Yorkie with a pink spot on it’s back. After explaining the rules of checkers to my daughter, she was off and running. Pinky proved to be a tough opponent, and too much for a novice. Before my daughter could blink, Pinky had 3 kings. A minute later, it was over. Pinky received the cash booty for soundly defeating Max. Pinky then saw an opening. She (or he?) immediately offered a rematch, figuring on some more easy money. My daughter was quick to accept, but asked me if I would show her how to play. Now it was daddy’s time…
Needless to say, I wiped the floor with Pinky. I even talked a little smack in the process and no, I’m not ashamed. Smack talk on Webkinz consists of selecting preset phrases from a dropdown list. I became fond of the phrase “Bring it on!”.
I thought that after my dismantling of Pinky we wouldn’t hear again from the little furball, but she was a fighter. She issued a new challenge. Rock, Paper, Scissors. Now, having 3 small kids, I have learned a lot about the mental process young kids use when playing games such as this. Unfortunately for Pinky, her brain must work that same. It only took me 6 turns to win 5 rounds, after figuring her pattern out in the first round. What’s that sound? Oh, it’s more Webkinz cash in my daughter’s account.
Finally, Pinky decided to go all in. She issued her final challenge. We were going to compete one on one in the Webkinz Supermodelz Fashion Challenge! You select three different articles of clothing for your select model (mine was a unicorn) and go in from of the judges. There are three judges, kinda like American Idol, and the player with the highest total points wins the round. First player to win 3 rounds gets the cash. With my daughter cheering me own, I proceeded to select a cowboy hat, denim jacket, and pastel floral shorts. Hey, it looked good 😛 The first two judges seemed split, but the floral shorts won over the final judge, and Max won round one. Pinky wouldn’t go down without a fight, and took me the distance, but I was able to squeak out a win in the final round.
My daughter was ecstatic as she now had enough Webkinz cash to buy her big screen TV for Max. Max was excited too, as his happiness meter skyrocketed to 100 percent. And as the saying goes, all good things must come to an end. I decided to retire from Webkinz competition with an undefeated record. That’s right, put me right up there with Rocky Marciano. Undefeated champs retiring on top.
Finally! A place where I can flex my 5th grade educated brain muscluature! I will be checking this out tonight!
Your story reminded me of the scene in "Billy Madison" where Billy is in Elementary School playing dodgeball.
There is a cost of entry though. So which one are you going to pick? The Pink Poodle? How about the hippo?
Teacher: Spell "couch".
Little girl: Couch. C-O-W…
Billy Madison: No!
Teacher: [to little girl] No, I'm sorry, that is incorrect
Teacher: Billy, if you spell this correctly you pass second grade.
Billy Madison: Couch. C-O-R, uh, are you going to the mall today?
Teacher: No I'm not goin to the mall, keep spelling, mister.
Billy Madison: Couch. C-O-U-C-H!
Teacher: That is correct!
Billy Madison: I AM THE SMARTEST MAN ALIVE!
Whatever the cost, it has to be better than playing on the XBox with my 14-year-old and getting my butt kicked regularly.
One more from the Madison file:
"If peeing your pants is cool, call me Miles Davis!"
Dagger – Great story.
Is that Max dropping a deuce in the brownie bowl?
Why yes, it is. My daughter was appalled when I should her how I was making Max famous online.
Girls just don't know funny… let her sit down and watch the "campfire scene" from Mel Brooks' "Blazing Saddles."
i have 2 peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee