2007, year of the pig. Lest we forget, in this time of times, these things that may well be forgotten, and in no particular order:
1. America woke up and noticed that its infrastructure was collapsing – in July during a New York City steam explosion and then again in August when a highway bridge in Minneapolis disintegrated into the Mississippi during rush hour, leaving 12 dead. America thought that was too bad, then rolled over and went back to sleep. No word on how the nation’s little things like, say, the power grid, suspension bridges, or tunnels feel on the matter.
2. Can’t forget the Great Boston Aqua Teen Hunger ForceTerror Bombing Campaign in January, where stupid Lite-Brite signs of stupid 10 pixel robots placed around the city as a movie promotion brought the Homeland Security Dept to it’s knees.
3. Maybe as a direct consequence, President George W. Bush signed Executive Directive 51 into law in May, or as Wikipedia puts it, The National Security and Homeland Security Presidential Directive (National Security Presidential Directive NSPD-51/Homeland Security Presidential Directive HSPD-20, sometimes called simply “Executive Directive 51” for short), signed by United States President George W. Bush on May 4, 2007, is a Presidential Directive which specifies the procedures for continuity of the federal government in the event of a “catastrophic emergency.” Such an emergency is construed as “any incident, regardless of location, that results in extraordinary levels of mass casualties, damage, or disruption severely affecting the U.S. population, infrastructure, environment, economy, or government functions.”
Basically, this is either the excuse they’ll use to cancel the ’08 elections, or the reason that Brian, Matt, Kristy, Dell, and Vietnam Vet and I will find ourselves in reeducation camp. Probably both.
4. Karl Rove resigns in August, apparently feeling there was no further damage he could do the democratic process. I would guess he is currently involved in setting up some sort of Second Life political take over, spreading irrevocable hate and discord between the furries and the trekkies.
5. Everybody was really interested in the war in Iraq for a few months there. Now it’s passe again. The troops fighting in Afghanistan have been totally forgotten.
6. Look, I like guns as much as the next guy, really. To me, when it says we have the right to bear arms, there’s no wiggle room with it. We have that right. But, um, in February we had 5 dead in a shooting in Salt Lake City, in April was the Virginia Tech massacre, 32 dead, and to round out the year 8 shot dead in a mall in Omaha. All done by the cliched lone gunman. Shouldn’t we admit that we have a problem here? So we can at least find out what the problem is? Maybe if we all promise not to ban any guns , all sides could come to the table and try and figure this out. Just an idea.
7. Lets see, every critic and hipster in the world hated the third Pirates of the Caribbean movie, and it made a gazillion dollars. We could rebuild all of the bridges in Nebraska with the money it made. And this is weird: self-professed fans of pirates (neither the historical kind, nor the ice kind) seemed really to hate it. What do you want? It had pirates and cannons and boats and whirlpools. What would have made it better? And personally, I’d pay good money to see Keira Knightley paint a dog house, let alone sword fight with sea monsters.
8. And while we’re talking about movies, how about everyone on the planet misreading the politics behind 300? Think about it. A small military force, hopelessly outnumbered and technologically overwhelmed, fight to the death to protect it’s way of life against invading decadent hordes. It’s not about brave American troops fighting alien Persians in Baghdad, OK? If it was about the war, and it’s hard to argue that it wasn’t, it was about the Iraqi fighter’s view of, well, us. We’re the bad guys. C’mon, it’s Frank frickin’ Miller! Since when was he a jingoistic flag waver?
9. Not a single U.S. city had to be abandoned this year! Yay! Put 2007 in the win column!
Josh, great look back! One problem, though…I never know how to pack for Re-Education Camp. I know the mosquitos aren't bad this time of year, but I don't really like the way my legs look in shorts. Without being too graphic, picture a shade akin to Poppin' Fresh dough…
really, really hairy Poppin' Fresh dough….
Dell, gross. I wouldnt worry, it's one-orange-jumpsuit-and-potato-sack-hood fits all!
That does make me wonder though, do the CIA torturers need different size water boards for American citzens? I recently discovered that American toilets are designed to be larger and stronger then the rest of the worlds, I guess due to the "obesity epidemic". So, logic follows…
Didn't you know that the Burton snowboard company is really a HALLI-Burton front? They have 90% of the waterboard contracts too…Hang ten, Habib!!!
I heard that Dick Cheney designed a special edition emblazoned with a sweet sepia-toned print of him on a "duck hunt…"